I'm so sorry it took me a couple of days longer to reply again. It's been one of those weeks. Here are some thoughts for your consideration. Don't feel obligated in the slightest, if you want to disregard any/all suggestions, feel free. :)
Page 1 Are the first few panels dialogue free deliberately or were you not sure what to write? If you want to put some dialogue in, how about Bruce making some joke about running into the Commissioner literally through the car crash? This would tie in with the last page where Bruce rescues Gordon by bringing it up again. The other male character could start waxing lyrical about cars which is when Rebecca asks Bruce her question.
Page 2 I love, love, love Gordon using his tie as a tourniquet. That is so inspired and very him. Kudos.
Page 3 I particularly love Bruce realising Alfred is on to him concerning Gordon - it's a beautifully subtle example of how well Alfred knows Bruce as well as being his father figure.
On to Two Face - his dialogue doesn't ring true to me along with the reasons and motivations for his actions. Personally, I think the panels would better suit the Joker - easily caught henchmen, bombs, chaos, not caring if he dies - it's classic Joker. Are there particular reasons you used Two Face as the villian? Visually, he's great but story/character wise, I think there's some room for improvement.
Page 7 Loved Jim's 'Let's not do that again,' line! I love, love, love the slowly drawn out kiss so much which leaves me very torn over making this next suggestion but... how about removing the actual kiss panel and just leaving it as a nearly there kiss instead? Leave the reader wanting more, lol! I think this would also help to build up the momentum of the whole story if the kiss towards the end is their very first one. It's so beautifully drawn though, I'm really torn on this.
Page 8 Penny dry cleaning! *dies of happiness* Once again, inspired!
Page 9 I really love their expressions once Bruce removes the mask *happy sigh*
Page 10 Love all of it basically!
So there are my thoughts/suggestions for what it's worth. I've noted down some typos that need cleaning up if used.
Typo Cleanups
Page 1 Wayne Funraiser should be Wayne Fundraiser "I intended to see them in the lockup..." should be "I intend to see them in the lockup..." "The Commissioner's suddenly leaving..." should be "The Commissioner suddenly leaving..."
Page 3 "Is everything alright?" should be "Is everything all right?" "We made same arrests.." should be "We made some arrests..." "Barbera..." should be "Barbara..." "There aredays..." should be "There are days..." "...of the oppertunity..." should be "...of the opportunity..." "...will give up everything about they can..." should be "...will give up everything about me they can..."
Page 4 "The discontinued making it..." should be "They discontinued making it..."
Page 5 "You two are so predicable." should be "You two are so predictable." "...always getting the way." should be "...always getting your way." "...figured you for a suicide" should be "...figured you for suicide"
Page 8 "...through the wreakage..." should be "...through the wreckage..." "...something soild.." should be "...something solid.." "Its also reasonably private..." should be "It's also reasonably private..."
Page 9 "Its a direct line" should be "It's a direct line"
Page 10 "Have you meet my wife?" should be "Have you met my wife?" "How nice to see you agian" should be "How nice to see you again"
Page 1: Yah, the dialogue was left out because I just didn't know what to write. I forced myself to think it through and he's what I came up with:
"Thank you for throwing this fundraiser for Gotham's new general hospital, Mr. Wayne." "Its my pleasure. I was glad to hear the new wing will be dedicated to Harvey Dent. He was a good man". "Yes - but now we soldier on; going about the business of rebuilding" "Speaking of which, have you replaced your car yet, Bruce?" "Oh, you mean the one our new Commissioner tells me I crashed to heroically save a man's life?" "But after finding out you were just trying to beat the light, I told you I hoped the wouldn't encourage you to do it in the future...*Ring!* Excuse me, I have to take this". "Will you be getting another Lamborghini? You know, my brother just go a Ferrari Enzo he's very happy with..." "What do you think, Bruce?" "Why choose? Maybe I should just get both - at least then I'd have a spare". Etc...
Page 3: Yah, I hemmed and hawed about which villain to use. Originally, I was just going to make up my own, but I ended up using Two-Face because he's just so much fun to draw. I'm pretty lazy, so I was hoping to just patch up his motivations with some good dialogue. Maybe an extra scene. Bring Rachel Dawes into his thinking somehow. Here's hoping inspiration will strike..
Page 7: I really like the idea of waiting for the kiss. I'll totally do that. Just sort of draw out the UST.
NEW PAGE 7A: I decided to insert another page. Just a big wide shot of Gotham with the building on fire/smoke rising and over top a TV announcer reading a news report about it -something like: "Emergency crews are battling another fire at a ware in the Narrows tonight, after police tracked the mysterious character known as Two-Face to the area. Police were tipped off about explosives in the building and no one was injured, but sources say the Two-Face himself went up in the blaze. Police suspect him of the murders of five people last year that they had originally attributed to the Batman. There is still a task force set up to find and arrest the vigilante, but Gotham's citizens still seem hopeful that he is watching over them. The victim of an attempted robbery last week says she owes her life to Batman... "..he just swooped in and kicked the gun right out of his hand! It was the most amazing thing I've seen in my life!".
Then there'll be two panels, first a wide shot of Gordon on the couch watching tv with the kids curled up next to him - then a close up shot of Gordon with a contemplative look on, fingers ghosting over his lips.
Page 10:
I was hoping to think up some funny dialogue for the monopoly game. Something about Bruce getting a 'go to jail' card out of the community chest or something.... I guess I can just leave it as is though.
ANYWAY! Thanks for taking a look for me and getting back. I'll try to post the pages up on my blog as I get them inked. I'll start working on the layouts this weekend, then I'm on holiday. I expect I'll have a few pages done by the end of September.
3 comments:
Hi!
I'm so sorry it took me a couple of days longer to reply again. It's been one of those weeks. Here are some thoughts for your consideration. Don't feel obligated in the slightest, if you want to disregard any/all suggestions, feel free. :)
Page 1
Are the first few panels dialogue free deliberately or were you not sure what to write? If you want to put some dialogue in, how about Bruce making some joke about running into the Commissioner literally through the car crash? This would tie in with the last page where Bruce rescues Gordon by bringing it up again. The other male character could start waxing lyrical about cars which is when Rebecca asks Bruce her question.
Page 2
I love, love, love Gordon using his tie as a tourniquet. That is so inspired and very him. Kudos.
Page 3
I particularly love Bruce realising Alfred is on to him concerning Gordon - it's a beautifully subtle example of how well Alfred knows Bruce as well as being his father figure.
On to Two Face - his dialogue doesn't ring true to me along with the reasons and motivations for his actions. Personally, I think the panels would better suit the Joker - easily caught henchmen, bombs, chaos, not caring if he dies - it's classic Joker. Are there particular reasons you used Two Face as the villian? Visually, he's great but story/character wise, I think there's some room for improvement.
Page 7
Loved Jim's 'Let's not do that again,' line! I love, love, love the slowly drawn out kiss so much which leaves me very torn over making this next suggestion but... how about removing the actual kiss panel and just leaving it as a nearly there kiss instead? Leave the reader wanting more, lol! I think this would also help to build up the momentum of the whole story if the kiss towards the end is their very first one. It's so beautifully drawn though, I'm really torn on this.
Page 8
Penny dry cleaning! *dies of happiness* Once again, inspired!
Page 9
I really love their expressions once Bruce removes the mask *happy sigh*
Page 10
Love all of it basically!
So there are my thoughts/suggestions for what it's worth. I've noted down some typos that need cleaning up if used.
Typo Cleanups
Page 1
Wayne Funraiser should be Wayne Fundraiser
"I intended to see them in the lockup..." should be "I intend to see them in the lockup..."
"The Commissioner's suddenly leaving..." should be "The Commissioner suddenly leaving..."
Page 3
"Is everything alright?" should be "Is everything all right?"
"We made same arrests.." should be "We made some arrests..."
"Barbera..." should be "Barbara..."
"There aredays..." should be "There are days..."
"...of the oppertunity..." should be "...of the opportunity..."
"...will give up everything about they can..." should be "...will give up everything about me they can..."
Page 4
"The discontinued making it..." should be "They discontinued making it..."
Page 5
"You two are so predicable." should be "You two are so predictable."
"...always getting the way." should be "...always getting your way."
"...figured you for a suicide" should be "...figured you for suicide"
Page 8
"...through the wreakage..." should be "...through the wreckage..."
"...something soild.." should be "...something solid.."
"Its also reasonably private..." should be "It's also reasonably private..."
Page 9
"Its a direct line" should be "It's a direct line"
Page 10
"Have you meet my wife?" should be "Have you met my wife?"
"How nice to see you agian" should be "How nice to see you again"
Thanks for the comments!
Page 1: Yah, the dialogue was left out because I just didn't know what to write. I forced myself to think it through and he's what I came up with:
"Thank you for throwing this fundraiser for Gotham's new general hospital, Mr. Wayne."
"Its my pleasure. I was glad to hear the new wing will be dedicated to Harvey Dent. He was a good man".
"Yes - but now we soldier on; going about the business of rebuilding"
"Speaking of which, have you replaced your car yet, Bruce?"
"Oh, you mean the one our new Commissioner tells me I crashed to heroically save a man's life?"
"But after finding out you were just trying to beat the light, I told you I hoped the wouldn't encourage you to do it in the future...*Ring!* Excuse me, I have to take this".
"Will you be getting another Lamborghini? You know, my brother just go a Ferrari Enzo he's very happy with..."
"What do you think, Bruce?"
"Why choose? Maybe I should just get both - at least then I'd have a spare".
Etc...
Page 3:
Yah, I hemmed and hawed about which villain to use. Originally, I was just going to make up my own, but I ended up using Two-Face because he's just so much fun to draw. I'm pretty lazy, so I was hoping to just patch up his motivations with some good dialogue. Maybe an extra scene. Bring Rachel Dawes into his thinking somehow. Here's hoping inspiration will strike..
Page 7:
I really like the idea of waiting for the kiss. I'll totally do that. Just sort of draw out the UST.
NEW PAGE 7A:
I decided to insert another page. Just a big wide shot of Gotham with the building on fire/smoke rising and over top a TV announcer reading a news report about it -something like: "Emergency crews are battling another fire at a ware in the Narrows tonight, after police tracked the mysterious character known as Two-Face to the area. Police were tipped off about explosives in the building and no one was injured, but sources say the Two-Face himself went up in the blaze. Police suspect him of the murders of five people last year that they had originally attributed to the Batman. There is still a task force set up to find and arrest the vigilante, but Gotham's citizens still seem hopeful that he is watching over them. The victim of an attempted robbery last week says she owes her life to Batman... "..he just swooped in and kicked the gun right out of his hand! It was the most amazing thing I've seen in my life!".
Con't
Then there'll be two panels, first a wide shot of Gordon on the couch watching tv with the kids curled up next to him - then a close up shot of Gordon with a contemplative look on, fingers ghosting over his lips.
Page 10:
I was hoping to think up some funny dialogue for the monopoly game. Something about Bruce getting a 'go to jail' card out of the community chest or something.... I guess I can just leave it as is though.
ANYWAY! Thanks for taking a look for me and getting back. I'll try to post the pages up on my blog as I get them inked. I'll start working on the layouts this weekend, then I'm on holiday. I expect I'll have a few pages done by the end of September.
Cheers!
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